treefroggirl

posted by Nicole on Jul 31

148

posted by Nicole on Jul 31

There was just a knock at my door, which freaked me out. I don’t expect knocks on my door in the middle of the night if I’m not expecting anyone. Add to that I am wearing grubby “I am sick” clothes, a knock in the middle of the night sends me into a panic mode. I’m not so worried about someone raping and killing me as I am about his thinking I am a crazy cat lady shut in.

I peer in the peep hole and the guy looks harmless. I open the door and he launches into his story. “I fixed someone’s computer on this floor and I don’t remember what apartment it was.” He looks over his shoulder and whispers, “They were a transvestite.”

I was immediately able to direct him to the right apartment.

I’m not sure what it is about there always being transvestites in my building. In the eight years that I have lived here there have been three. Then again given the geographic location of my building, I’m surprised that there haven’t been more. The one that sticks out in my mind the most was an amputee. A transvestite amputee. She had some great boas. I think she was compensating for not being able to wear shoes.

The transvestite that lives in my building now shares a studio apartment with an older couple that I assume are her parents. They don’t speak any English. The father sits out on the front steps chain smoking and always says “Hola” when I walk by. He has sad eyes.

When I see the mother she says “Hey!” and mumbles something else that I can’t understand. I caught her once digging in my trash that I left outside my door the night before. She has had a few freak-out moments outside the building crying and ranting, the rest of her family trying to calm her down.

I don’t know how they manage in a studio apartment, the three of them.

posted by Nicole on Jul 31

Foul-mouthed British parrot banished by embarrassed keepers

A foul-mouthed parrot previously owned by a lorry driver has been banished from public areas in a British animal sanctuary after repeatedly embarrassing his keepers, they said.

Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, is now kept indoors at Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in Nuneaton, central England, when outsiders visit after abusing dignitaries with swearword-littered insults.

“He’s told a lady mayoress to f..(expletive) off and he told a lady vicar: ‘And you can f… off as well’,” sanctuary worker Stacey Clark said.

Nor did the forces of law and order escape, she added.

“Two policemen came to have a look at the centre. He told them: ‘And you can f… off you two wankers’.”

Clark said sanctuary workers believed Barney either picked up the phrases from television or was taught them by his previous owner, a lorry driver who emigrated to Spain.

“He does say ‘Hello, big boy’ and ‘Thank you’ when you give him a biscuit,” she added.

“But it’s mainly naughty words and always to the wrong people. We’re trying to teach him not to swear. Macaws are very intelligent birds.”

posted by Nicole on Jul 30

Today was the first day I woke up feeling like a person and not the host for streptococci bacteria to nibble on. Still coughing like Camille, but there is hope.

The Aristocrats just opened in New York and LA and I really want to go but right now laughing and coughing are a tandem event so that would be bad. The movie is a documentary about a joke that comedians have been telling each other since vaudeville. Not just any joke. . . the dirtiest joke that you will ever hear. You can watch The South Park version of the joke here.

I got the matchboxes that I ordered for the wedding yesterday and they are so cutesy. There is something more than a little wrong with me that I am excited about little matchboxes.

posted by Nicole on Jul 29

I will be able to talk about something other than how I am feeling. Doc added levaquin to the meds mix and I got a new bottle of codeine laced cough syrup.

I may not feel good but at least I am a little high while I’m here.

posted by Nicole on Jul 29

I was afraid I would have to call the doc again after Wednesday night. Night sweats, 102 temp, coughing. . . but Thursday I almost felt okay other than coughing fits and feeling like an elephant is sitting on me. Oh, yeah and the overwhelming exhaustion.

I was feeling so good, I started to dig through my bookshelves pulling down the books I want to try and sell to used bookstores. Got half way through before I had to stop.

I wanna be healthy. I wanna sleep lying down. I wanna be able to do my laundry.

Been having mini panic attacks about the things I need to do that I am simply not capable of doing. I don’t even have the mental acumen to read. All I am good for is reality television.

posted by Nicole on Jul 28

I caught the reality show Bridezilla for the first time last night and my jaw dropped. Not only were these women remarkably self-absorbed and pushy, the amount of money they were dropping was obscene.

One couple ended up refinancing their house to pay for their $70,000 wedding. $70,000!!!!! To my mind even if you could afford to spend that much, you shouldn’t on principle. You should donate that money to some organization that helps people.

Crazy. Why would someone spend that much money and start their life out together behind the 8 ball?

I still had a fever today so my doc had me come in for an x-ray to make sure I don’t have pneumonia, which I don’t thank god. Just bronchitis and a mother of a step infection. She wants me to stay home the rest of this week.

I’m crawling the walls here. I also don’t have aircon so it adds another level of miserable to the whole experience.

posted by Nicole on Jul 27

Knowing Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury adds a whole new appreciation to Sam Apple’s parody The Administration and the Fury but it is not necessary for a giggle. He recently won a Faulkner write-alike contest sponsored by United Airlines in air magazine, Hemispheres. There has been some drama because the magazine is refusing to put the story in their print edition, only online.

I’m still really sick. Fever, coughing, the works. I hoped the drugs would have kicked in by now. If I do not feel better by tomorrow afternoon the doc told me to come see her again. All I did today was sleep and dream really crazy dreams.

I am really bored of this.

posted by Nicole on Jul 26

Doc put me on 1000 MG Augmentin. These pills are enourmous. They are big enough to build condos on. I also got some cough syrup with codeine so I will be a happy sleeping through the night girl. (I hope.)

She wants me to stay home until Thursday so I suspect I will be climbing the walls soon. I just wanna get healthy. I have too damn much to do to sit on my ass all day.

posted by Nicole on Jul 24

I am sure my neighbors are about to kill me for my 2am hack fests. I am ready to kill me.

Had a nice time last night hanging out at the Tiki Ti then dinner at El Chavo with Darren & Nate, Linda & Dog Mike, Joe and Mike. Pathetic that I was in bed by 10:30. This cough thing is the longest I have ever been sick. My fever came back last night again so I took some Tylenol at 2 am and it is over 100 again today. Blah.

WARNING: Definite girly whiney bullshit approaching.

Today I am starting my plan to undue the damage from the last few months and to get rid of the food baby I am carrying around in my gut. I lost 70 pounds low carbing a few years ago but the last two years I have been really lazy about maintaining and I let myself creep back up a bit and then after London? Forgetaboutit.

So I am back on the wagon but not so much Atkins as more Anne Louise Gittleman. Veggies and fruits that support certain organ functions, eggs and lean protein. No coffee. No cheese. No sugar. No beer. No wine.

No problem.

I’ve always been one of those people when there is something that I want, it happens. It is just a matter of honestly working for what you want and not expecting it to be a gift from the gods.

And I really wanna fit in the dress that I ordered for the wedding. I don’t right now which isn’t a complete tragedy because it does come in a larger size.

So weekly weigh-in. Today I am 154 or 11 stones. Goal is 9 stone.