So at work when there are meetings, they put together these funny little videos. I had an idea that I pitched and they told me to go write it.
I doubt very much they will film it because its so dialogue heavy and we aren’t exactly actors, but it was fun to write. I thought I would share. . . BTW- The formatting is a mess. Copying it over did weird things, so for those that know better, please ignore that.
FADE IN:
INT. FILM STUDIOÂ - DAY
An AMERICAN faces a camera. She smiles broadly. She looks so excited she might just jump out of her skin.
AMERICAN
   I’m so super excited, I might just jump out of my skin! They’re
   sending me to the London, Dublin and France offices. I CAN’T
begin to tell you how excited I am! I hope that I have the bandwidth
to do everything that I want to do! I’m sure it will be AWESOME!
   I keep imagining what it will be like!
The American looks up, imaging what it will be like. . .
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
THREE ENGLISHMEN wearing bowler hats sit at a table drinking tea. “God Save The Queen†plays in the background.
ENGLISHMAN ONE
  Â
   I say! Good show that was!
ENGLISHMAN TWO
   Jolly good!
ENGLISHMAN THREE
   Dog’s bollocks.
ENGLISHMAN TWO
   Quite right.
They sip their tea.
INT. PUB – DAY
TWO IRISHMEN stand at the bar with the arms draped around each other. It is some accomplishment that they are still standing. They are singing “Danny Boyâ€.
In the background there is a huge pub fight.
INT. RESTAURANT – DAY
A FRENCH MAN and a FRENCH WOMAN are drinking red wine and smoking cigarettes. They both are wearing black berets. An Édith Piaf song plays.
They speak French and there are English subtitles.
FRENCH MAN
    Sometimes I wonder if the world is a dream or a
    dream is the world.
FRENCH WOMAN
    When you quote Godard, it fills me with despair.
The French Man shrugs.
FRENCH MAN
    We are all filled with despair.
FRENCH WOMAN
    I had a dream that I was running. I was running to the
    sea. I never reached it. I am so bored.
FRENCH MAN
    Perhaps we should go on strike.
The French Woman shrugs.
FRENCH WOMAN
    It would be something to do.
CUT TO:
EXT. LONDON STREET – DAY
The American is walking down the street looking up at the buildings.
AMERICAN
    I can’t believe I’m here! I can’t believe how old all the
    buildings are! Ooo look ! A red phone booth!
A gaggle of Londoners wearing winter coats listening to MP3 players is quickly approaching The American. The crowd engulfs her and she is pulled along in the undertow.
She manages to burst out of the crowd and is standing in front of the office. She looks up at the building.
AMERICAN (Cont.)
    This is going to be super!
INT. MUNCHIES – DAY
The American is standing around looking lost. People bustle around getting their breakfast toast and porridge.
MAN ONE walks by the American. He nods at her and smiles.
The American smiles back.
MAN ONE
    You all right?
WOMAN ONE walks by the American.
WOMAN ONE
    You all right?
The American’s smile cracks slightly.
WOMAN TWO walks by the American.
WOMAN TWO
    You all right?
The American looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is watching. She smells under her arms.
AMERICAN
    Do I not look alright?
The American walks over to a counter. She picks up a jar of marmite and sniffs it and gags slightly.
Woman One is buttering her toast. Woman Two is stirring sugar into her porridge.
AMERICAN (cont.)
    Hi! Where did you get the oatmeal?
WOMAN TWO
    Sorry?
AMERICAN
    The oatmeal? Where did you—
Woman Two speaks really loudly.
WOMAN TWO
I’m sorry. But I can’t understand you.
(To Woman One)
    Can you understand her?
WOMAN ONE
    Something about a meal.
(To the American)
    Would you like to eat? Toast? Toast? You like toast?
AMERICAN
    Sure I like toast. Do you have wheat?
WOMAN ONE
    Weet? I don’t. Um. I’m sorry. I just don’t understand.
Woman One waves her arms to get the attention of everyone in the room.
WOMAN ONE (cont.)
    Oy! Oy! Got a problem mates. We can’t understand
    what this barmy Yank is saying. Does anyone speak American?
HIGGINS steps forward.
HIGGINS
    Excuse me, I speak American.
AMERICAN
    I don’t understand. Why can’t anyone understand me?
HIGGINS (British Pronunciation)
Say aluminium.
AMERICAN
    What?
HIGGINS (British Pronunciation)
    Say margarine.
AMERICAN
    What?
HIGGINS
    What is an alsatian?
AMERICAN
    I don’t know. . . A kind of dessert?
HIGGINS
    How you got here in one piece, I don’t know.
We have a lot of work to do.
A SCOTTISH MAN walks forward.
SCOTTISH MAN
    Don’t listen to him. We can understand you
    just fine. He’s taking a piss.
The American looks at Higgins.
AMERICAN
    What did he say?
HIGGINS
    I have absolutely no idea.
MONTAGE
a. Higgins points at a lift and tapes a sign that says ‘lift’ to it. He points to a rubbish bin and tapes a sign that says ‘rubbish’. He points to a rucksack and tapes a sign that says ‘rucksack’ to it. The American nods. She is starting to get it.
b. Higgins and The American are sitting at a table holding forks and knives with food on plates in front of them. The American cuts her food with her right hand, sets the knife down, switches the fork to her right hand and eats.
Higgins shakes his head no and cuts his food but keeps his fork in left hand and doesn’t put the knife down.
c. They stand in a queue. The American sees a chance to move ahead before it is their turn. Higgins pulls her back and shakes his head.
INT. CONFRENCE ROOM – DAY
HIGGINS is holding up flashcards with American words and The American is translating them into English
HIGGINS
    Eggplant.
AMERICAN
    Aubergine.
HIGGINS
    ATM.
AMERICAN
    Cashpoint.
HIGGINS
    Band-Aid.
AMERICAN
    Plaster.
HIGGINS
    I was pleased with myself.
AMERICAN
    I was well chuffed.
HIGGINS
    Stupid.
AMERICAN
    Plank.
HIGGINS
    Very stupid.
AMERICAN
    Thick as two short planks.
HIGGINS
    Sweater.
AMERICAN
    Jumper.
HIGGINS
    Face.
AMERICAN
    Chevy.
HIGGINS
    Going out for Indian food.
AMERICAN
    Umm. Going for an Indian, or a curry or a Ruby Murry.
HIGGINS
    Define chav and provide a celebrity example.
AMERICAN
    Um. People that wear designer clothing but they’re still
    kinda cheap looking. Britney Spears is a chav.
HIGGINS (cockney accent)
    Say, “The water in Majorca ain’t what it oughta.â€
The American stares at him.
HIGGINS
    Okay, I was taking a piss. I think you’re ready.
INT. MUNCHIES – DAY
The American steps toward the counter. She smiles at the wait staff behind the counter.
AMERICAN
    You all right? Brown toast please.
INT. CONFRENCE ROOM – DAY
Higgins and The American sit at a table.
AMERICAN
    Do you have any advice about Dublin?
HIGGINS
    They are really nice people. Much nicer than London.
    You’ll be fine.
AMERICAN
    What about Paris? What will they be like?
HIGGINS
    Oh, you know. They’ll be French.
           CUT TO:
INT. FRENCH OFFICE – DAY
A FRENCH MAN and a FRENCH WOMAN are drinking red wine and smoking cigarettes. They both are wearing black berets. An Édith Piaf song plays.
FADE OUT.
THE END
November 30th, 2006 at 6:49 pm
Yep and that is the truth.
I think the first time I heard Stuart say the piss thing I told him where the bathroom was. He looked about as confused as I was.