It’s been- It’s been a really long fucking time since my last confession. Sorry. But it has. Maybe, 1991? 1990. Around then. It’s about when I stopped believing in the devil. You know how it is Father. If you’re Catholic and you don’t believe in the devil, the whole thing sort of goes to hell. . . no pun intended.

But yeah. 1990ish. To Father Jan. The most annoying Polish priest on the planet. In Newman Club he tried to defend the banning of books. I’m guessing it was the whole growing up in a Communist country, no personal freedom and expression thingy.

But yeah- so these are my sins. . .

There is no need to do a drum roll Father.

I had a cup of coffee.

Yeah, that’s it.

Seriously.

I can do math Father. I know it has been nearly 20 years since the last time I was in the hot seat. And you don’t need to say 20 years like that you know! I think I look pretty good for 36.

Why are you laughing?

Ok sure. There are a lot of things I could confess. But the thing is, I’m not really sorry. I mean, I have regrets, but that is different from being sorry. Well maybe that one guy. He was an enormous mistake and had very little to show for himself. . . if you get what I mean. Now that I think of it, there were a couple of those. Pretty big red bow packaging around a box of styrofoam pellets.

To be honest Father—I kinda wish I had gone a bit wild. Maybe got arrested or something.

I know I still could get arrested, but it just isn’t the same.

Yeah, the coffee. I had a cup of coffee. But I have to say, it really was necessary for life and it was for the good of everyone around me. And you know, I can stop anything I want.

Yep. That’s all I got. Thanks for listening.

Ten rosaries! Ten! For a cup of coffee? It’s not even Lent!

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