STUART: What are you doing for dinner?
NICOLE: Might run to the store. I fancy lamb. You?
STUART: Going to make my salad. Would you like some?
NICOLE: Um. I don’t know. What is your salad?
STUART: Beetroot, hard-boiled eggs, grated cheese. Mild cheddar. Cheaper the better, salad cream and crisps. Using frazzles tonight. . . Why are you looking at me like that?
NICOLE: How did you learn to make this meal? Was it passed down in your family for generations or is it something you came up on your own?
STUART: My salad is nice. Don’t knock it. What are you doing?
NICOLE: Texting Al your ‘salad’ recipe and that I think it is a good cause to divorce you.
STUART: Giving away my salad secrets!
NICOLE: Yes Stuart. I am. In fact Gordon Ramsey may very well steal it and put it on the menu at Claridges.
STUART: Where?
NICOLE: Never mind.
STUART: You know I can cook. I know you say I can’t but I can. I got an A in Home Economics I’ll have you know. I know how to make fish fingers and chips. . .What are you doing? You’re writing this down???
NICOLE: What else can you make Stuart?
STUART: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just go around telling everybody.
NICOLE: What else can you make?
STUART: My casserole is really nice.
PAUSE
STUART: You take a dish and you cook some chicken.
NICOLE: You can cook chicken?
STUART: Yes, I can cook chicken!
NICOLE: How do you cook the chicken?
STUART: I don’t know! So you put the chicken in the bottom of the dish, add a bit of gravy, layer some chunky chips on top, squirt brown sauce all over the whole thing then mix it up with a wooden spoon.
NICOLE: Do you bake it all?
STUART: No. It’s already hot.
NICOLE: What else can you make?
STUART: Spaghetti.
NICOLE: And how do you—
STUART: Basically you just microwave it. What???
NICOLE: I’m intrigued. What else is in your repertoire?
STUART: Glazed chicken.
NICOLE: How did you glaze the chicken?
STUART: I. . . I glazed it with a sauce that I like.
NICOLE: Brown sauce.
STUART: I burned brown sauce on it, yes!
NICOLE: Burned?
STUART: That’s what glazed chicken is isn’t it? Listen, this is food that I like. I know it isn’t what you would do. You should try my potatoes with breadcrumbs.
NICOLE: Potatoes with—
STUART: You take potatoes and—
NICOLE: –cover them in breadcrumbs. Yeah. I got it.
STUART: You can cover chicken or fish in breadcrumbs. Why not potatoes?
NICOLE: You should go on masterchief.
STUART: My favorite thing I ever made was a candle burger.
NICOLE: I’m sorry. A. . . what?
STUART: Candle burger.
NICOLE: I don’t get it.
STUART: You make a burger. Then take a candle and put it in the bun.
PAUSE
NICOLE: Like a birthday cake?
STUART: No, not like a birthday cake! It’s a hamburger.
NICOLE: Sorry. How silly of me.
March 25th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
Just for the record the Candle Burger is a Burger without a Bun.