End of an era. Last night of the Just One Club
I wrote this ten page play a million and two years ago. We did it in a little theatre in the Valley and my Ex (every girl has a capital E ex) directed it. The funny part was he was the one who had given me the purple dildo (got your attention now don’t I) and hadn’t dealt well with my mirth at the time but when the audiance howled at that bit- realised he had acted and chosen. . . poorly.
Another thing to note at this time in the world when this was composed search GoTo.com was the game. We were it. Google was not yet a verb. And adult advertisers. . . were a necessary evil.
I give you. . .
A LARRY BY ANY OTHER NAME
By Nicole Thomas
CHARACTERS
ERICA
SUSAN
LINDA
PLACE
An Internet search engine customer service department in Los Angeles
TIME
The Present
ERICA sits at her desk, her fingers poised over her computer keyboard. SUSAN sits two seats over at her desk. They are both wearing telephone headsets.
ERICA
Thank you for calling Mega Search dot com. List your site and we’ll bring you traffic. Erica speaking, how can I help you?. . . Okay, let’s take a look. What’s your account number? . . . Okay, the reason you can’t find your web site listed under “shaved pussy” is because you haven’t requested to have that search term.
Susan looks at Erica and laughs. Erica crosses her eyes.
ERICA (cont.)
Sir?. . . Well I guess it is a popular term that people search for on the Internet so I would recommend you add it to your account. Just remember that you will need to have content on your site reflective of that term. . . . Yes sir, that would mean that you need to have women with shaved pubic hair on your Web site. . . Sir, that’s a rather personal question. . . Sir, I will not discuss what I shave or don’t shave with you.
LINDA enters holding a bouquet of flowers. She sets it on her desk between Susan and Erica.
SUSAN
What are those for?
LINDA
I don’t know.
SUSAN
Just because flowers. My favorite. Not that I ever got just because flowers, but if I did they would be my favorite. I think florists should create a “Just Because” holiday. Send flowers January fifth just because! Who sent them?
LINDA
I don’t know.
SUSAN
Yes you do. It’s one of your little harem boys.
ERICA
Sir, you can access all of your search terms online.
LINDA
I don’t know. Michael and Sean said they didn’t. Maybe it’s Harry. He’s been Im-ing me a lot lately. I hope it’s not him because I decided I don’t like him. He has a really big head.
SUSAN
He is full of himself.
LINDA
No, I mean, he really has a really big head.
ERICA
Hold one moment please.
Erica puts the caller on hold.
ERICA (cont.)
This guy wants me to read off all of his search terms. Blech!
She takes the caller off hold.
ERICA (cont.)
Okay sir, are you ready? Sex, sexy sluts, amateur sexy sluts, amateur wife sexy slut whores, big tits, little tits, Asian tits, little Asian tits, Asian slut whores, sex with fruit, sex with vegetables, sex with Dalmations. . .
SUSAN
I can’t remember the last time I got flowers. I didn’t even get them last Valentines Day.
LINDA
What did you get?
SUSAN
A big purple dildo.
Linda laughs.
LINDA
A purple dildo!
ERICA
No sir, you do not have “purple dildo”. My co-worker was just telling a joke.
SUSAN
That’s exactly what I did. How can you open a present, look down and see a big purple dildo without laughing? But he got angry.
LINDA
Because it made you laugh.
SUSAN
We were having problems. He just didn’t think I took it seriously enough. It’s very nice as purple dildos go. Silicon. Easy to clean.
LINDA
Didn’t realize there was a difference.
SUSAN
I’m still not sure how he wanted me to react.
LINDA
Maybe you were supposed to feel really horny at the site of it and be overwhelmed with lust.
ERICA
What am I wearing? Sir, I’m going to have to release the call now. I’m sorry. No! It was not good for me!
Erica rips off her headset.
ERICA (cont.)
Why are the porn guys so creepy?
SUSAN
They’re not all creepy. Once, I had a porn guy who was really shy about his search terms. He kept saying the p word instead of pussy. Hairy p word, black p word, Asian p word. It was really sweet.
ERICA
I need to find a new job. When they told us we would need to look at adult content they didn’t say anything about being used for phone sex.
Erica notices Linda’s flowers.
ERICA (cont.)
Who gave you the flowers?
SUSAN
She doesn’t know.
ERICA
Bullshit.
LINDA
Why is that so hard to believe?
SUSAN
She hopes it’s not Harry because he has a really big head.
ERICA
Come on, who sent them?
LINDA
I honestly don’t know.
ERICA
I hate you.
LINDA
You hate me? What does that mean?
ERICA
It means you get to choose. Most of us don’t get to choose.
SUSAN
You’re depressing me.
LINDA
What do I get to choose?
ERICA
I was only with a guy once who I liked as much as he liked me. Your net is so much broader than ours. You’re bound to get lobster while Susan and I get sardines.
SUSAN
But I don’t like lobster.
LINDA
So what are you doing? Why are you with Frank?
SUSAN
She loves him now, even though at first she thought he was repulsive.
ERICA
I didn’t think he was repulsive.
SUSAN
You said, “He has scaly, smelly feet that repulse me.”
ERICA
His feet! His feet repulsed me. But I stuck around. Linda would be able to throw a scaly feet man back. Just like she’s throwing out Big-head Harry.
SUSAN
You know, I really don’t think it’s his big head that’s the problem.
LINDA
Thank you Susan. It has more to do with his character.
SUSAN
Actually I was going to say his jaw. He has a really long jaw, chin thing going.
LINDA
You act like I’ve never had my heart broken or been disappointed.
ERICA
It’s just not fair that you always get flowers. I’m your friend and I love you but sometimes I just want to shave your head.
LINDA
Oh, sweetie. Sometimes I want to shave your head too. I need to get my coffee. Does anyone want anything?
ERICA
Yeah, can you get me some tea with honey?
LINDA
Sure. Sooze?
SUSAN
No, I’m fine.
Linda exits.
ERICA
Why don’t you go get some coffee Susan?
SUSAN
Nobody wants to shave my head.
ERICA
What?
SUSAN
You know, the two of you just had that little moment. That little friend moment and I want to know why no one wants to shave my head.
ERICA
I do Susan. You annoy me so much sometimes that I want to shave your head.
SUSAN
You do!
ERICA
Yes. Especially right now.
SUSAN
Somehow this isn’t as friendly as you and Linda.
ERICA
Go get some coffee Sooze. Or some water.
SUSAN
Are you trying to get rid of me?
ERICA
No.
SUSAN
Then why are you sending me in search of liquid?
They both work.
ERICA
Who do you think sent her the flowers?
SUSAN
Maybe Dan?
ERICA
Dan’s gay.
SUSAN
Yeah, I know. But I don’t think he knows that yet.
Erica examines the flowers, looking for the card.
SUSAN (cont.)
What are you doing?
ERICA
I think she knows who they’re from.
SUSAN
So?
ERICA
So, why would she not tell us?
SUSAN
She doesn’t want us to know?
ERICA
Okay, yeah! But why doesn’t she want us to know?
SUSAN
Maybe she’s having a torrid affair with a married man.
ERICA
She would tell us.
SUSAN
A married woman?
Erica looks at Susan then grabs Linda’s purse and starts to look inside. Susan grabs the purse away.
SUSAN (cont.)
Erica, Linda is my favorite work friend. Next to you of course and I really don’t like. . . I don’t understand why you’re being so weird. They’re just flowers from a secret admirer. And if she does know and she doesn’t want to tell us, it’s really not any of our business.
ERICA
Maybe they’re from your boyfriend.
SUSAN
Excuse me?
ERICA
Makes sense doesn’t it? Every man that comes in 10 feet of Linda wants to fuck her. Frank kept going on about her after the Christmas party. What did Greg say?
SUSAN
Greg thought she was really sweet but that doesn’t mean. . .
Susan dumps the contents of the purse on her chair. They bend over and examine the contents of the purse: Lipstick, hairbrush, medication and a wallet. Susan holds up the medication reading it.
SUSAN (cont.)
Why would Linda be taking estrogen? She’s way too young to be getting hot flashes.
Erica flips through the wallet, sees something and stops. Susan bends her head closer to see what it is.
SUSAN (cont.)
Why is Linda wearing a suit and tie in that picture?
ERICA pulls out a library card.
ERICA
Larry Sweet.
SUSAN
Linda was a Larry?
Erica and Susan stare at each other as each realize. . .
SUSAN (cont.)
Well. That’s unexpected, isn’t it?
LINDA
(offstage)
Thanks, but I got it Harry. That’s very sweet Harry. Harry. Give me back my coffee cup.
They scramble to replace the contents of the purse and stash it where Linda left it. Just as they jump into their seats as Linda enters with a cup of coffee and tea.
LINDA
Here’s your tea sweetie.
ERICA
Thanks, thanks.
Erica and Susan type furiously.
ERICA (cont.)
I was reading something that surprised me. Did you know that 95% of porns are shot in The Valley?
LINDA
Really? I didn’t realize that.
ERICA
Yeah. Goes to show you. Your next door neighbor could be a porn star and you’d never know it.
SUSAN
Or a transvestite. I lived next door once to a transvestite paraplegic. That’s wrong. It wasn’t that she couldn’t move her legs. She just didn’t have any.
LINDA
Amputee?
SUSAN
Right! A transvestite amputee. She had the best boa. I think she was compensating for not having any shoes.
LINDA
Erica, do you have your portal inquiries from last week? I need to compile the report.
Erica hands Linda a manila folder.
LINDA (cont.)
Susan, did you do it?
SUSAN
I had nothing to do with it she made me!
LINDA
What are you talking about?
SUSAN
Nothing. What are you talking about?
LINDA
The portal inquiries.
SUSAN
Oh.
Susan hands Linda a manila envelope.
SUSAN (cont.)
I was just talking about one of those many things that Linda makes me do. That I don’t want to.
They work.
ERICA
It really is amazing that you could be living, working next to someone and not know who they are. You know?
LINDA
Did a porn star move into your neighborhood?
ERICA
No, I’ve just been thinking how we really don’t know the people around us. That sweet little old man you see might have been a nazi. The school teacher might be a sex addict. The gorgeous woman in the office that gets all the men and makes all the other women feel inferior might have had a sex change. It’s just interesting.
LINDA
Yeah. . .
Linda reaches for her bag and pulls out her medication. She notices Susan and Erica watching her very carefully. She looks into the bag then takes her medication and tosses the bag aside.
LINDA (cont.)
There’s something I need to tell you guys.
SUSAN
Oh, no you don’t.
LINDA
I do. I lied to you.
ERICA
Really Linda. It’s okay. We love you no matter what.
SUSAN
Yes we do. No matter what. Even if you were. . . and I’m just pulling this out of thin air. . . a man.
LINDA
Erica, your boyfriend sent me the flowers.
ERICA
Oh.
LINDA
And Greg tried to kiss me at the Christmas party.
SUSAN
Oh.
LINDA
You know, I feel so much better now that I’ve told you that.
Linda’s phone rings.
LINDA (cont.)
Thank you for calling Mega Search dot com, Linda speaking. Well let’s take a look. Your account number? Okay, most of your traffic is being directed to sorority sluts, but you’re getting a lot of activity on chicks with dicks. Yes sir, that’s a very popular site.
Susan looks at Erica.
SUSAN
Kind of gives you a new perspective on things, doesn’t it?
Black out.
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Stuart and I had a much-needed weekend away in Kent.
Saturday at Leed’s Castle.
I think in my next life, I want to be a bird at Leed’s Castle.
It seems like a good gig.
Was really lovely. My favourite castle so far.
Off we went to Canterbury where we had reservations at The King’s Head - a 15th Century pub and Inn. Exposed beams. Friendly owners. Pub full of locals – the only tourists were us. Will go back.
Next morning at Canterbury Cathedral. . .
I dragged him into a service. I had told him I wanted to go to a service, but I don’t think he believed me. For me, it was part of being a tourist.
Stuart however didn’t know what to do. On one hand, he was happy I saved him 7 quid (you don’t have to pay if you are going to church) on the other I was forcing an hour of his life to attend a service. Midway through somewhere between the choir singing and the 2nd reading, he whispered that he was going to get me.
It was my first Anglican service and I really didn’t see any difference between it and a Catholic mass. Guess it all comes down to transubstantiate or to not transubstantiate.
Was funny. If it wasn’t for the whole not believing in God thing, I would really like going to Church. And it is strange. . . even after 16 years, I still knew the Nicene Creed by heart.
When it came time for communion, Stuart said, “No way am I going up there.”
“Of course you aren’t going up there! You haven’t taken the Eucharist ever in your entire born in Slough life and I’m not going up there because even though I have taken communion, I don’t believe in it and I have enough respect for the people that do to not take the Eucharist!”
Stuart looked at me like I had hair growing out of my eyes. “Now would be a good time to sneak out, don’t you think?”
After wandering around at all the dark corners including the spot where Thomas Beckett bit it, all too soon it was time to leave and we went to the white cliff’s of Dover and the castle there.
And then home.
Was an English heritage weekend.
Would be all too happy to do it again.
Especially the part where I was singing to the radio in not so subtle attempts to wind Stuart up. My version of Nessun Dorma from Turandot is especially effective.
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Part One: Of what, you shall see dear reader. . .
