posted by Thomas on Dec 16
I have a screw loose about how I see the world. Sometimes there is a bit of a Fellini movie running in my head. I’m like a fat Ally McBeal.
For example, a few years ago I was walking past Buckingham Palace and saw the guards with the guns and I thought, “There’s a way to commit suicide.” That thought led to an a scene in Stealing Gnomes that let me tick a few boxes for things I was trying to set up in the first ten pages.
SARAH: What did you get up to today?
ANDREW: Composed my suicide note.
SARAH: Proactive of you. Decided how you might do it?
ANDREW: Have a couple of ideas in the pipeline. The Anna Karenina.
SARAH: Horrible to do that to the train driver.
ANDREW: Thought the same thing. Plan B is the Virginia Woolf.
SARAH: Where are you going to get stones heavy enough?
ANDREW: Figured I would go to a garden centre.
SARAH: People who drown look dreadful after.
ANDREW: True. I’d hate to be an ugly corpse. All blue and bloated.
SARAH: Quite unseemly. I wouldn’t appreciate looking at that when I come to identify the body.
ANDREW: You’re right. I should consider your feelings. Besides, they’re both derivative. What I need is a whole brand new way of offing myself.
SARAH: I completely agree.
ANDREW: So I decided on Buckingham Palace.
SARAH: Sorry?
ANDREW: I’ll wait until she’s home. Standard flying. Put on a big fake beard and a rucksack with wires and flour spilling out of it. Rush the semi-automatic packing guards while screaming, ‘Down with the infidels!’
SARAH: It’s certainly unique. You’ll get into The Metro for sure.
ANDREW: But then I thought. . . What if they don’t kill me? They’d deport me back home. The U.S. wouldn’t get the satire. They’d think I really was a terrorist. They’d waterboard me. Strap electrodes to my genitals and make me listen to the Barney theme song.
SARAH: I’m shocked. Shocked. I can’t believe the Americans would ever torture anyone let alone their own citizens.
ANDREW: Easy tiger. So I decided rather than killing myself quickly, I would join Max and drink myself to death! . . .Sorry. . .
I am lucky that the darkness I carry around inside me is something I (usually) can turn around and use.
A year ago or so things were rather dim for me. Job wasn’t in a good place, marriage wasn’t in a good place, finances weren’t in a good place. Of course things got better. They always do. And then. . . they got worse.
I was made redundant, marriage finally had its death rattle, I had to babysit small children. . . Then it got better. It always does. I got a job back at Microsoft. The break-up has been very civilised, I’m going to be doing a blog on the MSN health and beauty page starting in January. . .
I know there is going to be another down slope again. I actually look forward to it. Well, that’s not strictly true. But I do try to remind myself that the fun part of the roller coaster is when you go down, not up.
Why am I talking about this?
A year ago, a friend of mine forgot that things always get better.
If you are someone considering crawling under the floorboards, please, pick up the phone, call a mate, call a hotline, reach out. . .
I’m not a religious person, but I’m lighting a candle for you tonight Barb, and a candle for all of us shuffling along in the dark.