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I think part of the reason I find it so hysterical is I have met people here with unusual surnames- names so bad I don’t know how they survived school.

I have no clue how John Oliver held himself together for this.

Take the test- Questions are fantastic. . . like:

Praises marriage before young women contemplating it.
Often comments on husband’s strength and masculinity.
Is of same religion as her husband.

They have one for men as well.

-3 As a 1930s wife, I am Very Poor (Failure) Take the test!

Mine is on my face.

Lucky me.

This evil hair that comes along every so often is the top point of the Bermuda triangle to the left of my lips. The other points of the triangle are a vein that people often think is blue ink and one of many moles.

I’m very attractive.

I’ve long had a love hate thing with my hair. I love the hair on my head and I love my eyebrow shape and colour. . . The problem is if go a few days without plucking my brows, I’d give Frida Kahlo a run for her money.

Sex-y.

It is something I have been horribly self-conscious of for years. It horrifies me to be honest. What I find interesting is most women, if they start talking about this topic will also confess their hersutisic tendencies. Given that most women are in constant battle with the hair, why is it such a huge taboo?

A year ago there was a documentary on the BBC that Shazia Mirza did called, “F**k Off, I’m A Hairy Woman” where she didn’t shave for six months and she encouraged other furry women to do the same. I gotta be honest- on one hand. . . yeah, happy! that so many other women have the fur ball gene. On the other, I just think it’s kind of gross. I don’t want to see furry chicks. I don’t what to be a monkey girl. . .

I remember once seeing a homeless woman in LA near my apartment in Los Feliz. She had a serious grey goatee going on and I just couldn’t look away. There is something seriously wrong with me that I was more horrified that she had a beard than that she was homeless.

I also find it a little troubling that if a genie gave me three wishes that two of them would be for thin thighs and no more body hair issues. What kind of feminist am I?

The third wish would be, of course, for world peace. (Wave Miss Hairy America! Wave!)

Brilliant. . .

Outstanding reaction in reference to Sick and Pathetic. My girlfriend and I dig your editorial, it will be exorbitantly significant in specie for Locust Fork taxpayers.

Another thing to note at this time in the world when this was composed search GoTo.com was the game. We were it. Google was not yet a verb. And adult advertisers. . . were a necessary evil.

I give you. . .

A LARRY BY ANY OTHER NAME

By Nicole Thomas

CHARACTERS

ERICA
SUSAN
LINDA

PLACE

An Internet search engine customer service department in Los Angeles

TIME

The Present

ERICA sits at her desk, her fingers poised over her computer keyboard. SUSAN sits two seats over at her desk. They are both wearing telephone headsets.

ERICA
Thank you for calling Mega Search dot com. List your site and we’ll bring you traffic. Erica speaking, how can I help you?. . . Okay, let’s take a look. What’s your account number? . . . Okay, the reason you can’t find your web site listed under “shaved pussy” is because you haven’t requested to have that search term.

Susan looks at Erica and laughs. Erica crosses her eyes.

ERICA (cont.)
Sir?. . . Well I guess it is a popular term that people search for on the Internet so I would recommend you add it to your account. Just remember that you will need to have content on your site reflective of that term. . . . Yes sir, that would mean that you need to have women with shaved pubic hair on your Web site. . . Sir, that’s a rather personal question. . . Sir, I will not discuss what I shave or don’t shave with you.

LINDA enters holding a bouquet of flowers. She sets it on her desk between Susan and Erica.

SUSAN
What are those for?

LINDA
I don’t know.

SUSAN
Just because flowers. My favorite. Not that I ever got just because flowers, but if I did they would be my favorite. I think florists should create a “Just Because” holiday. Send flowers January fifth just because! Who sent them?

LINDA
I don’t know.

SUSAN
Yes you do. It’s one of your little harem boys.

ERICA
Sir, you can access all of your search terms online.

LINDA
I don’t know. Michael and Sean said they didn’t. Maybe it’s Harry. He’s been Im-ing me a lot lately. I hope it’s not him because I decided I don’t like him. He has a really big head.

SUSAN
He is full of himself.

LINDA
No, I mean, he really has a really big head.

ERICA
Hold one moment please.
Erica puts the caller on hold.

ERICA (cont.)
This guy wants me to read off all of his search terms. Blech!

She takes the caller off hold.

ERICA (cont.)
Okay sir, are you ready? Sex, sexy sluts, amateur sexy sluts, amateur wife sexy slut whores, big tits, little tits, Asian tits, little Asian tits, Asian slut whores, sex with fruit, sex with vegetables, sex with Dalmations. . .

SUSAN
I can’t remember the last time I got flowers. I didn’t even get them last Valentines Day.

LINDA
What did you get?

SUSAN
A big purple dildo.

Linda laughs.

LINDA
A purple dildo!

ERICA
No sir, you do not have “purple dildo”. My co-worker was just telling a joke.

SUSAN
That’s exactly what I did. How can you open a present, look down and see a big purple dildo without laughing? But he got angry.

LINDA
Because it made you laugh.

SUSAN
We were having problems. He just didn’t think I took it seriously enough. It’s very nice as purple dildos go. Silicon. Easy to clean.

LINDA
Didn’t realize there was a difference.

SUSAN
I’m still not sure how he wanted me to react.

LINDA
Maybe you were supposed to feel really horny at the site of it and be overwhelmed with lust.

ERICA
What am I wearing? Sir, I’m going to have to release the call now. I’m sorry. No! It was not good for me!

Erica rips off her headset.

ERICA (cont.)
Why are the porn guys so creepy?

SUSAN
They’re not all creepy. Once, I had a porn guy who was really shy about his search terms. He kept saying the p word instead of pussy. Hairy p word, black p word, Asian p word. It was really sweet.

ERICA
I need to find a new job. When they told us we would need to look at adult content they didn’t say anything about being used for phone sex.

Erica notices Linda’s flowers.

ERICA (cont.)
Who gave you the flowers?

SUSAN
She doesn’t know.

ERICA
Bullshit.

LINDA
Why is that so hard to believe?

SUSAN
She hopes it’s not Harry because he has a really big head.

ERICA
Come on, who sent them?

LINDA
I honestly don’t know.

ERICA
I hate you.

LINDA
You hate me? What does that mean?

ERICA
It means you get to choose. Most of us don’t get to choose.

SUSAN
You’re depressing me.

LINDA
What do I get to choose?

ERICA
I was only with a guy once who I liked as much as he liked me. Your net is so much broader than ours. You’re bound to get lobster while Susan and I get sardines.

SUSAN
But I don’t like lobster.

LINDA
So what are you doing? Why are you with Frank?

SUSAN
She loves him now, even though at first she thought he was repulsive.

ERICA
I didn’t think he was repulsive.

SUSAN
You said, “He has scaly, smelly feet that repulse me.”

ERICA
His feet! His feet repulsed me. But I stuck around. Linda would be able to throw a scaly feet man back. Just like she’s throwing out Big-head Harry.

SUSAN
You know, I really don’t think it’s his big head that’s the problem.

LINDA
Thank you Susan. It has more to do with his character.

SUSAN
Actually I was going to say his jaw. He has a really long jaw, chin thing going.

LINDA
You act like I’ve never had my heart broken or been disappointed.

ERICA
It’s just not fair that you always get flowers. I’m your friend and I love you but sometimes I just want to shave your head.

LINDA
Oh, sweetie. Sometimes I want to shave your head too. I need to get my coffee. Does anyone want anything?

ERICA
Yeah, can you get me some tea with honey?

LINDA
Sure. Sooze?

SUSAN
No, I’m fine.

Linda exits.

ERICA
Why don’t you go get some coffee Susan?

SUSAN
Nobody wants to shave my head.

ERICA
What?

SUSAN
You know, the two of you just had that little moment. That little friend moment and I want to know why no one wants to shave my head.

ERICA
I do Susan. You annoy me so much sometimes that I want to shave your head.

SUSAN
You do!

ERICA
Yes. Especially right now.

SUSAN
Somehow this isn’t as friendly as you and Linda.

ERICA
Go get some coffee Sooze. Or some water.

SUSAN
Are you trying to get rid of me?

ERICA
No.

SUSAN
Then why are you sending me in search of liquid?

They both work.

ERICA
Who do you think sent her the flowers?

SUSAN
Maybe Dan?

ERICA
Dan’s gay.

SUSAN
Yeah, I know. But I don’t think he knows that yet.

Erica examines the flowers, looking for the card.

SUSAN (cont.)
What are you doing?

ERICA
I think she knows who they’re from.

SUSAN
So?

ERICA
So, why would she not tell us?

SUSAN
She doesn’t want us to know?

ERICA
Okay, yeah! But why doesn’t she want us to know?

SUSAN
Maybe she’s having a torrid affair with a married man.

ERICA
She would tell us.

SUSAN
A married woman?

Erica looks at Susan then grabs Linda’s purse and starts to look inside. Susan grabs the purse away.

SUSAN (cont.)
Erica, Linda is my favorite work friend. Next to you of course and I really don’t like. . . I don’t understand why you’re being so weird. They’re just flowers from a secret admirer. And if she does know and she doesn’t want to tell us, it’s really not any of our business.

ERICA
Maybe they’re from your boyfriend.

SUSAN
Excuse me?

ERICA
Makes sense doesn’t it? Every man that comes in 10 feet of Linda wants to fuck her. Frank kept going on about her after the Christmas party. What did Greg say?

SUSAN
Greg thought she was really sweet but that doesn’t mean. . .

Susan dumps the contents of the purse on her chair. They bend over and examine the contents of the purse: Lipstick, hairbrush, medication and a wallet. Susan holds up the medication reading it.

SUSAN (cont.)
Why would Linda be taking estrogen? She’s way too young to be getting hot flashes.

Erica flips through the wallet, sees something and stops. Susan bends her head closer to see what it is.

SUSAN (cont.)
Why is Linda wearing a suit and tie in that picture?

ERICA pulls out a library card.

ERICA
Larry Sweet.

SUSAN
Linda was a Larry?

Erica and Susan stare at each other as each realize. . .

SUSAN (cont.)
Well. That’s unexpected, isn’t it?

LINDA
(offstage)
Thanks, but I got it Harry. That’s very sweet Harry. Harry. Give me back my coffee cup.

They scramble to replace the contents of the purse and stash it where Linda left it. Just as they jump into their seats as Linda enters with a cup of coffee and tea.

LINDA
Here’s your tea sweetie.

ERICA
Thanks, thanks.

Erica and Susan type furiously.

ERICA (cont.)
I was reading something that surprised me. Did you know that 95% of porns are shot in The Valley?

LINDA
Really? I didn’t realize that.

ERICA
Yeah. Goes to show you. Your next door neighbor could be a porn star and you’d never know it.

SUSAN
Or a transvestite. I lived next door once to a transvestite paraplegic. That’s wrong. It wasn’t that she couldn’t move her legs. She just didn’t have any.

LINDA
Amputee?

SUSAN
Right! A transvestite amputee. She had the best boa. I think she was compensating for not having any shoes.

LINDA
Erica, do you have your portal inquiries from last week? I need to compile the report.

Erica hands Linda a manila folder.

LINDA (cont.)
Susan, did you do it?

SUSAN
I had nothing to do with it she made me!

LINDA
What are you talking about?

SUSAN
Nothing. What are you talking about?

LINDA
The portal inquiries.

SUSAN
Oh.

Susan hands Linda a manila envelope.

SUSAN (cont.)
I was just talking about one of those many things that Linda makes me do. That I don’t want to.

They work.

ERICA
It really is amazing that you could be living, working next to someone and not know who they are. You know?

LINDA
Did a porn star move into your neighborhood?

ERICA
No, I’ve just been thinking how we really don’t know the people around us. That sweet little old man you see might have been a nazi. The school teacher might be a sex addict. The gorgeous woman in the office that gets all the men and makes all the other women feel inferior might have had a sex change. It’s just interesting.

LINDA
Yeah. . .

Linda reaches for her bag and pulls out her medication. She notices Susan and Erica watching her very carefully. She looks into the bag then takes her medication and tosses the bag aside.

LINDA (cont.)
There’s something I need to tell you guys.

SUSAN
Oh, no you don’t.

LINDA
I do. I lied to you.
ERICA
Really Linda. It’s okay. We love you no matter what.

SUSAN
Yes we do. No matter what. Even if you were. . . and I’m just pulling this out of thin air. . . a man.

LINDA
Erica, your boyfriend sent me the flowers.

ERICA
Oh.

LINDA
And Greg tried to kiss me at the Christmas party.

SUSAN
Oh.

LINDA
You know, I feel so much better now that I’ve told you that.

Linda’s phone rings.

LINDA (cont.)
Thank you for calling Mega Search dot com, Linda speaking. Well let’s take a look. Your account number? Okay, most of your traffic is being directed to sorority sluts, but you’re getting a lot of activity on chicks with dicks. Yes sir, that’s a very popular site.

Susan looks at Erica.

SUSAN
Kind of gives you a new perspective on things, doesn’t it?

Black out.

NICOLE: Might run to the store. I fancy lamb. You?

STUART: Going to make my salad. Would you like some?

NICOLE: Um. I don’t know. What is your salad?

STUART: Beetroot, hard-boiled eggs, grated cheese. Mild cheddar. Cheaper the better, salad cream and crisps. Using frazzles tonight. . . Why are you looking at me like that?

NICOLE: How did you learn to make this meal? Was it passed down in your family for generations or is it something you came up on your own?

STUART: My salad is nice. Don’t knock it. What are you doing?

NICOLE: Texting Al your ‘salad’ recipe and that I think it is a good cause to divorce you.

STUART: Giving away my salad secrets!

NICOLE: Yes Stuart. I am. In fact Gordon Ramsey may very well steal it and put it on the menu at Claridges.

STUART: Where?

NICOLE: Never mind.

STUART: You know I can cook. I know you say I can’t but I can. I got an A in Home Economics I’ll have you know. I know how to make fish fingers and chips. . .What are you doing? You’re writing this down???

NICOLE: What else can you make Stuart?

STUART: I’m not going to tell you. You’ll just go around telling everybody.

NICOLE: What else can you make?

STUART: My casserole is really nice.

PAUSE

STUART: You take a dish and you cook some chicken.

NICOLE: You can cook chicken?

STUART: Yes, I can cook chicken!

NICOLE: How do you cook the chicken?

STUART: I don’t know! So you put the chicken in the bottom of the dish, add a bit of gravy, layer some chunky chips on top, squirt brown sauce all over the whole thing then mix it up with a wooden spoon.

NICOLE: Do you bake it all?

STUART: No. It’s already hot.

NICOLE: What else can you make?

STUART: Spaghetti.

NICOLE: And how do you—

STUART: Basically you just microwave it. What???

NICOLE: I’m intrigued. What else is in your repertoire?

STUART: Glazed chicken.

NICOLE: How did you glaze the chicken?

STUART: I. . . I glazed it with a sauce that I like.

NICOLE: Brown sauce.

STUART: I burned brown sauce on it, yes!

NICOLE: Burned?

STUART: That’s what glazed chicken is isn’t it? Listen, this is food that I like. I know it isn’t what you would do. You should try my potatoes with breadcrumbs.

NICOLE: Potatoes with—

STUART: You take potatoes and—

NICOLE: –cover them in breadcrumbs. Yeah. I got it.

STUART: You can cover chicken or fish in breadcrumbs. Why not potatoes?

NICOLE: You should go on masterchief.

STUART: My favorite thing I ever made was a candle burger.

NICOLE: I’m sorry. A. . . what?

STUART: Candle burger.

NICOLE: I don’t get it.

STUART: You make a burger. Then take a candle and put it in the bun.

PAUSE

NICOLE: Like a birthday cake?

STUART: No, not like a birthday cake! It’s a hamburger.

NICOLE: Sorry. How silly of me.

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