Archive for the ‘funny shit’ Category

posted by Thomas on Dec 21

Sean, an old work mate of Stuart’s had an long lay over in London today so we thought we would take him for a walk along the South Bank so he could see a bit of London.

Sean has lived in Canada for over 20 years but before that his family was from Iran and he has dual nationality.

We took the tube to Vauxhall and walked toward the bridge. Stuart pointed at a modern, would be innocuous if not for the 50 million security cameras all over it building.

“That’s MI5.”

“Really?” Sean said.

“Yep.” Stuart said.

Sean pointed his SLR camera at MI5. “Can I take a picture of it?”

“Sure.” Stuart said.

“You sure?” Sean said.

“Yep.” Stuart said.

Sean took a picture and we continued on our way toward the Thames path.

A police car with lights on passed us, stopped and backed up several feet. It parked, lights still blinking.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if they were stopping us for taking a picture?” Sean said.

“Yeah, it would be.” I said.

Two policemen exited the car and walked briskly toward us. Cop the First was tall and blonde and had a non-descript English accent. Cop the Second was short and brunette and sounded like an extra on East Enders.

Each had handguns holstered to the top of their thigh.

“Do you know what that building is?” Cop the First asked.

We looked at each other like it was a trick question.

“MI5.” Stuart said.

“Why’ya tayken’ a-picture ov it’thn?” Cop the Second asked.

We looked at each other again like it was a trick question.

“Because it’s MI5.” Stuart said.

Cop the First and the Second reviewed the pictures on Sean’s camera and were satisfied that we were not intending to blow it up in the future even though Sean was carrying a rucksack and had a dark complexion.

“Are we not allowed to take a picture of it?” I asked.

“Oh, you’re allowed,” Cop the First said, “but we don’t encourage it.”

While we were allowed to take a picture of MI5 and we weren’t doing anything wrong, they did fill out a little citation detailing our tête-à-tête (for our records) although they kept saying over and over that this was as far as this would go and that our information would not be entered anywhere and we had nothing to worry about.

Nicole rolls her eyes inside her head, but smiles and nods at the Policeman.

When asked for his address, Sean gave them his Canadian details. He said later he considered giving his Iranian passport to see what they would do.

I must admit, both officers were very polite and friendly. If you are going to get randomly stopped for taking photos of buildings, they were the men for the job.

So if you get out the tube at Vauxhall and walk toward the river, on the right is an unmarked building.

You are allowed to take a photograph of it.

It is however, not encouraged.

posted by Thomas on Nov 2

I love Mr. Olbermann as you know, but this is wicked funny…

posted by Thomas on Nov 2

This is really funny…

posted by Thomas on Oct 25

posted by Thomas on Oct 25

Found this at the NY Times.

Remember the old Wassup commercial? No? Ok. This is one of them.

Why am I posting it? Because the original actors are back with a twist on it.

posted by Thomas on Oct 23

A couple of weeks ago I posted The Great Schlep to my Facebook and Bunin commented about it and told me that he is friendly with Sarah Silverman. Bunin is in a sitcom and is a very talented actor and improv performer living in LA for a little over ten years now, so his being mates with S.S. didn’t surprise me.

Told him that she was performing in London soon and that I might go. He said that if I saw her after the show I should say hi and that he and I are friends.

This made me giggle.

The odds of me seeing Ms. Silverman after her performance and saying, “Um. Hi? Sarah? Hi. I’m friends with Bunin. Um. Hi. Yeah. And he’s my friend and you’re his friend so I thought… um. We could be friends. . . Wanna braid each others hair?” were rather slim indeed as she was performing in the 3,000+ seat Hammersmith Apollo. Don’t think he realized that she wasn’t going to be in a little comedy club.

Don’t think Sarah realized either.

It wasn’t her fault they kept us waiting in the lobby for an hour plus. It was like being on the tube only with a bar. It wasn’t her fault that her supporting act Steve Agee was ill and did not perform. They had a video feed where he said something I couldn’t understand for two minutes which was annoying considering their trying to set that up is what kept us schvitzing in the lobby for ages.

You could feel the audience could maybe turn on her. It was in the air. When she came out she quickly got the audience on her side. No small feat. I was laughing so hard I was crying. At one point Sarah said, “This is going really well! I can’t believe I was nervous about this all week.”

And it was. It was going really well.

Then the show ended after she had been on stage for about 45 minutes. We assumed it was joke… or a way to get an encore. We clapped. We stayed sitting. We slowly stopped clapping. The lights came up. But not all the way. Were they needing us to clap more to get her to come out? We clapped more. We slowly stopped. She wasn’t coming out. This couldn’t be the end. Really? We stayed sitting.

Sarah bounced out wearing her slippers, “Go home! I don’t have anything prepared! I’m not Chris Rock. We had a good show.”

She tried to riff a bit with the audience. Some of it worked. Some didn’t. Someone suggested she sing a song. She shook her head, “I shot my load.”

Up in the balcony where I was, a guy suggested Give the Jew Girl Toys, but she didn’t remember the words so he prompted her all the way through it which was kinda funny. Then a woman up in the balcony shouted out that she was over hyped and didn’t deserve the ticket price. We all booed the woman that was heckling.

She tried to take some Q&A but it was really uncomfortable and you could feel she wasn’t in control. “I need to leave on a laugh.” She said. We all wanted to give her a big laugh. Each second felt like forever for me so it must have felt like years for her. Finally she got enough of a response and she exited stage left.

Walking out, I heard someone say, “That was the most surreal end of a show I’ve seen in my life.” On the tube I heard someone else say, “No more of these American comedians.”

A lot of the reviews say she bombed. That isn’t accurate. She was also not booed off the stage. I only heard two hecklers.
She had a fantastic show. Sure it was old material, but it was great and from all the people laughing for those 45 minutes, the audience thought the same.

The problem is there is no way in hell when people have paid nearly 50 quid that you only give them 45 minutes of entertainment. If there had been an opening act and if we hadn’t been corralled in the lobby for Donkey’s Years, I suspect it would have been a different ending.

I do think it is disappointing that someone that has been doing stand-up as long as she has, didn’t have something in her back pocket. It is really too bad.

It was a fantastic show that curdled at the end. In some ways, that is worse than bombing.

posted by Thomas on Oct 22

Real America? And I’m not part of that? And people that don’t AGREE with you aren’t real Americans???? WTF?

Man, this smacks of 1950’s rhetoric.

Thank you Jon Stewart.

Ditto from me. Fuck all y’all.

posted by Thomas on Oct 13

I am writing some corporate videos for work and I thought it would be fun in one of them to take the piss about biz speak.

LARRY, RACHEL, SALLY and TOM sit around a conference table.

LARRY: Sorry for the Power Point Sing-a-long, but in order to get granular beyond the view from 10,000 feet and also in addition to ensure an oven-ready, just add water, holistic cradle to grave approach, I thought it would give you some contextual conversational navigation. Anything to add to the sauce Sally?

SALLY: Just that I appreciate these idea showers and it will help us sprinkle the magic.

TOM: It’s a great plan to sell the sizzle not the sausage.

LARRY: I’m happy to hear that you hear the same jungle drums. We’d better not let the grass grow too long on this one if we want to harvest that low hanging fruit.

RACHEL: I still have some concerns around feature creep and who will be doing the heavy lifting. But you’re right. We have to step up to the plate and face the music.

posted by Thomas on Oct 4

posted by Thomas on Sep 14

Not sure if this clip of Tina Fey as Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler as Hilary Clinton will play outside the US… NBC has forced it off of you tube… so I have included the NBC transcript below.

FEY AS PALIN: “Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And I was told I would be addressing you alone.”

FEY AS PALIN: “Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama — as evidenced by this button.”

FEY AS PALIN: “But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.”

FEY AS PALIN: “You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) “Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.”

FEY AS PALIN: “And I can see Russia from my house.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “I believe global warming is caused by man.”

FEY AS PALIN: “And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.”

FEY AS PALIN: “I don’t know what that is.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.”

FEY AS PALIN: “So please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And stop saying I have cankles.”

FEY AS PALIN: “Don’t refer to me as a ‘MILF.’”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “And don’t refer to me as a [flurge]. I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.”

FEY AS PALIN: “So we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like ‘pretty,’ ‘attractive,’ ‘beautiful.’”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “‘Harpy,’ ’shrew’ and ‘boner shrinker.’”

FEY AS PALIN: “While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska…”What’s the difference…

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN: “…between a hockey mom…”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN: “…and a pitbull?”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Lipstick.”

FEY AS PALIN(AFTER A BEAT): “Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (AFTER A PAUSE)”I can not.”

FEY AS PALIN: “It’s truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “No. Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.”

FEY AS PALIN: “What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Anyone.”

FEY AS PALIN: “All you have to do is want it.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: (LAUGHS) “Yeah, you know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I should have wanted it more.” (RIPS OFF PIECE OF PODIUM)

FEY AS PALIN: “So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.”

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “Although it is never sexist to question female politicians credentials. Please ask this one about dinosaurs. So I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.”

FEY AS PALIN: And as we say in Alaska…

POEHLER AS CLINTON: “We say it everywhere…”

FEY/POEHLER: “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!!!

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