Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

posted by Thomas on Jun 12

Hello.

Ok. I’m back.

Lots has been going on… finished my play. It doesn’t suck. Friend of mine gave it to their agent at William Morris. We shall see.

Got fired.

Well not fired. Redundant. I am one of the 5000 people that was let go from Microsoft. Is all good. I’m not freaking out just yet about finding a new gig, but I have scheduled a nervous breakdown for later.

Yesterday was my last day.

Very strange.

Anyhoo, I have nothing but good things to say about the company and that’s not just because I will be signing a compromise agreement.

Three years ago I had a lot less grey hair. . . but I had a lot less people that I considered friends.

For your reading pleasure, here is the goodbye email I sent…

When Microsoft first told me that they were suggesting that I spend more time with my family, my first thought was, no. . . No! They can’t. . . This isn’t. . .This can’t be happening to me. . . Where else am I going to hear funky groovy conference call hold music?!?

In order to assist in my withdrawal, I’ve watched this video a few times:

<br/><a href="http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?vid=723f1933-9397-49e4-b73c-9433dfbef700" target="_new" title="Microsoft Conference Call ">Video: Microsoft Conference Call </a>

I may just randomly call in to the number. You know. for fun.

I am also not sure how I will survive without the occasional global reply all email strings.

“Please remove”
“Don’t reply all when you ask to be removed.”
“Remove me please”
“Come on people. Don’t reply all”
“Why am I on this alias? Remove me.”
“WE WORK FOR A TECHNOLOGY COMPANY!!! DON’T REPLY ALL”
“What’s your problem? I love all these emails. I feel so popular. No one usually speaks to me. I’m so lonely.”
“Everyone. EVERYONE. In the entire WORLD- The World. Literally. Not just Redmond – EVERYONE – Even Liechtenstein is getting these e-mails. Stop. please.”
“I don’t think it is stylistically correct to write ‘e-mail’ any more. Isn’t it just ‘email’? No hyphen? Just wondering.”
“Yeah, I wondered about e-mail v email myself. Let’s have a meeting to discuss it.”
“Please remove me from this string but I would love to be part of the E-MVEM project.”
“Great work everyone for seeing the need for the E-MVEM work stream!”

If you would like to include me on those strings so I don’t feel left out, my home email is:

But seriously folks. . . well. . . let’s not be too serious. . . It’s been fun. (Mostly.) A big thank you to all of you. You are all superlative people to work with. (Well. Except for you. . . Yes, you.)

If you are in London and have braved public transport during the tube strike, please come over to the Phoenix for a drink or five.

Thanks again,
xxxxxxxxxxx

Nicole

Sent from my iPhone

posted by Thomas on Jan 18

Perhaps I am the only person that will find this funny… but here is a line I just wrote.

MAX: Save me. Our kitchen is full of very serious people seriously discussing serious subjects like Kierkegaard and what are the deep hidden messages in the lyrics of Whiter Shade of Pail. I’d kill myself but they’d think it was an act of Libertarian philosophy.

posted by Thomas on Oct 13

I am writing some corporate videos for work and I thought it would be fun in one of them to take the piss about biz speak.

LARRY, RACHEL, SALLY and TOM sit around a conference table.

LARRY: Sorry for the Power Point Sing-a-long, but in order to get granular beyond the view from 10,000 feet and also in addition to ensure an oven-ready, just add water, holistic cradle to grave approach, I thought it would give you some contextual conversational navigation. Anything to add to the sauce Sally?

SALLY: Just that I appreciate these idea showers and it will help us sprinkle the magic.

TOM: It’s a great plan to sell the sizzle not the sausage.

LARRY: I’m happy to hear that you hear the same jungle drums. We’d better not let the grass grow too long on this one if we want to harvest that low hanging fruit.

RACHEL: I still have some concerns around feature creep and who will be doing the heavy lifting. But you’re right. We have to step up to the plate and face the music.

posted by Thomas on Jul 31

I am using reading plays as a way to avoid writing one. I am telling myself that it is research. That I am studying form. Structure. Character. Exposition.

Bollocks.

I’m avoiding working.

Guess reading plays is better than watching Big Brother.

Here is another little blurb of what I have… if you’re interested…

ANDREW
What’s your novel about?

TALIA
Ahhhhh. . . It’s hard to talk about.

MAX
So don’t.

ANDREW
Don’t mind him. He was raised by wolves.

SARAH
And orangutans.

TALIA
It’s. Um. complicated. So in Japan, there are these kids that shut themselves in their room when they’re 13, 14, 15, whatever, and they just don’t come out.

SARAH
They just stay in their room?

TALIA
Pretty much. Some stay in there for 15 years. They’re called hikikomori. And their parents just take care of them. Modern life is just too much and they hide.

ANDREW
Your novel takes place in Japan?

TALIA
No. My main character is in San Francisco but he’s a western hikikomori. He’s been hiding in his room for 10 years. And. . . did you read about the German cannibal?

MAX
There are so many joke opportunities here. I simply don’t know where to start.

TALIA
So this guy put out an ad. He wanted to kill and eat someone and he met someone that wanted to be emasculated, killed and then. . . um.. . consumed.

ANDREW
Sorry. . . when, when, when you say emasculated. Do you mean?

MAX
Yes, she does.

ANDREW
Fuck me.

TALIA
So my novel is about this guy in his early 20’s that has shut himself away in a room for ten years and his relationship with a guy he met one the Internet that he’s asked to kill and um. . . eat. Him.

Pause.

MAX
It’s a comedy I take it.

SARAH
How do you think of that sort of stuff?

TALIA
I must admit I have a bit of a twisted mind, but I got it from the paper. If you pick up any paper there are tons of stories right there.

SARAH
I read something the other day that I thought was so amazing. So sad. This Thai woman got on a bus to go shopping in Malaysia and she got on the wrong bus coming back. So she ended up miles and miles away. No one could understand her because of her dialect. She ended up begging and was sent to a homeless shelter. She was there for 25 years. And she would sing this song, no one understood her until these health exchange students came to the shelter. And they heard her sing and they were from her region and they understood her. She told them what happened and 25 years after she was lost, she came home to her family.

TALIA
That’s amazing. See that is a novel or a screenplay right there.

MAX
That’s the saddest story I have ever heard.

SARAH
Isn’t it?

MAX
Your wife is gone for 25 years. You think you’ve gotten rid of her and then she comes back.

posted by Thomas on Jul 29

TALIA
Hi. . . I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lost my temper. I just. . . I get the, what’s the phrase? They take a piss and–

ANDREW
Take the piss. It’s the piss. Not a piss.

TALIA
The piss, a piss. What’s the difference?

MAX
Substantial. I think, should we chose to demonstrate.

posted by Thomas on Jul 26

I finally have a keyboard for the mini mac thanks to Stuart who popped out into a shop on the Strand for me. I have a space bar, I can now write contractions. All of the numbers are once again available to me. Dashes ——””’ 64736430-09 —

This is a beautiful thing…

I have a next week and Monday the 4th off so I don’t have to go to work for 10 whole days. This is the first break I have taken of 08 and I’m really needing it. Had the time off because my nephew Grey was supposed to be visiting us, but the trip fell through… Boo. So I decided to take a week off anyway and just relax here in London. For a bit it looked like I would need to go to Seattle first week of August so I made plans to go to LA Wednesday but no dice… I am disappointed about that because I really miss a few people there so next work trip I will need to swing by. But I must admit, I am happy that I don’t have to get on a plane. I have been work traveling so much the last 9 months, I am a bit at saturation.

What am I going to do this week? I am going to write. I am not as near on this play as I want to be. I am going to do touristy things… like I wrote my MP asking for a tour of Parliament so I am going to do that. Museums, read, relax. . .

posted by Thomas on Jul 21

I want to volunteer for a once a week gig at Amnesty International. I’ve long respected Amnesty and even considered doing some volunteer work for them when I first arrived here, but they were asking for more hours than I could give. This position however would be perfect as it would be blogging events and would be on average one evening a week. They are asking for a writing sample in a blog style describing an event.

I’ve been looking at old entries to see if I have a jumping off place that I can use. I have tons of blogs where I get up on my high horse. All you know I have that. I don’t have so many that are talking about an event and the ones I do have are usually about how drunk I was.

Flipping through my archives has been an interesting experience.

1. Some of what I wrote doesn’t suck.
2. Some of what I wrote really sucks
3. My weight has shot up big time since I moved here and I’ve lost and gained the same ten pounds over the last couple of years.
4. I fall down, get stepped on, cut myself and cause general injury to myself a lot.
5. I whinge about not writing or that I am writing or wanting to write. A lot.
6. It seems that I lost a few readers that I had in the early days. Either that or they are lurking. I’m guessing they got a bit tired of the entries that really sucked or me talking about trying to lose weight or how I hurt myself or getting pissed or writing about all of the writing I’m not doing.
7. The moments where I could kill Stuart are very funny on paper.
8. I need to work on my 100 things about Nicole category and my blog roll.
9. I need to clean up the entries that came over from blogger because there are all these strange characters in them that make it difficult to read.
10. I blog a lot about things I need to do that I never get around to.

posted by Thomas on Jul 19

Couple of reasons.

Home keyboard has still not been replaced because last weekend I didn’t fancy going to the Apple store in the middle of iPhone mania. I’ve never understood people that get excited about gadgets the way they do about stuff that’s important. Like when I skipped a class to wait in line ffor hours or Episode 1 Star Wars tickets. (Thanks George. Thanks again for destroying my favourite childhood movies.)

Not having a space bar is difficult to write anything longer than a Facebook update. The way around that is to copy and paste a space but that isn’t a barrel full of monkeys either. The other way around it is to use my work computer. Which is what I am using now.

I’m trying to properly write a play and I am trying to focus. On the bottom of page 11 at the moment on the ‘puter. Wrote 4 ½ pages long hand last night. I have bits in my head so now I’m discovering how to string the bits together and trying to shut off the part of me that says, “You know this really sucks ass.”

I give you another Max line which was inspired by my friend Al:

MAX: You know I have no interest in history other than what I can use to mock other nationalities. Specifically Americans, The French, Germans and the Welsh.

For those of you that are theatre inclined and also know my struggle with dramatic action (I tend to write good lines but have a hard time with plot) I think I have it under control. . . but it is still early days. So yeah. Trying to focus.

There’s been lots of things I’ve wanted to write about but I didn’t have the energy and I didn’t want to write my usual flippant posts because there are a lot of things going on in the news.

Quickly. . . The New Yorker Cover. So obvious it is satire. So obvious what they are doing. Obama camp seriously messed up by taking the PC route. That said, a lot the Hilary supporters that are rolling their eyes would have tweaked if a similar cover had been done for Ms. Clinton. I’m just saying. I’m a bit sick of all the black/white thinking- and no I’m not talking about race.

The economy. Hoping the current pound to dollar rate stays similar as it makes it easier to pay off my student loans.

Christopher Hitchens. I’ve long had conflicting feelings about the gentleman due to watching a couple of debates with Robert Scheer at the LA Times Festival of Books where Hitchens defended the US Iraq war position. It wasn’t only folks on the right that lost their mind after 9/11 as few lefties did too and in my mind Hitchens was one of them. That said, the man is far more clever and possesses more intelligence than my right foot. And I also don’t have a lot of time for people that just parrot back my views back at me so I do appreciate his willingness to say things that can be unpopular in certain circles.

I do think, however. . . he can be a bit of a cock.

The last few years I’ve caught a few of his pieces where he has surprised me. He has said that he didn’t think waterboarding was torture. His editor thought he should look into it a bit more. . . This month in Vanity Fair he has an article on waterboarding where he submits himself to it. You can read the article here and watch a video of it here.

Yes. It is torture. And guess what. It’s wrong.

Funny. I remember the first time I lost a bit of love for America. I think I was 12. I found out about the Japanese Interment camps and the injustice of it made me so angry. Much like a relationship with a lover when you first realise that they aren’t perfect, so was my first realization that there was a lot of dust bunnies under America’s bed.

I do love my country. (Well. It isn’t my country anymore. I don’t belong there. And I don’t belong here really. I need to find a secluded island somewhere where I do nothing but sit in the sun and have a house boy bring me cold drinks with little umbrellas.) I love America in a co-dependant way that you love an alcoholic, or a wife beater or someone with borderline personality disorder. “Oh, he just does that because he loves me. He wants to know where I am and make sure I don’t get into trouble. In fact, it’s my fault. I need to behave better. I make him slap me around.”

That segues into something that blew my little mind. I’ve long been pissed at my alcoholic, wife beating, borderline personality disorder county for Guantánamo. No huge surprise there.

Last night I read on Amnesty International about Omar Khadr (who is a Canadian citizen) and watched the video of his being interrogated in 2003. Khadr has been at Gitmo since he was 16 for war crimes and allegedly throwing a grenade that killed a US soldier.

Yes. 16.

I don’t want to get into a is he guilty or innocent debate, (although there is certainly doubt given the initial report was altered in order to cast blame on Khadr) and a US Military Judge has thrown the case out due to his not being prooved to be a “unlawful” enemy combatant, but you have to ask yourself, why was it reasonable to keep anyone in prison for so long without a trial especially at a place like Gitmo, especially if they were 15 when they were first taken into custody?

I’m rather ashamed of myself that I didn’t know about him sooner.

Sigh. There’s other things I could blather on about but I’ve taken too long to write this. And now my blood pressure is up.

Oh, yeah. And the weather is rubbish today.

posted by Thomas on Jul 17

I must admit that part of this was inspired by something that Mel said recently so it is not entirely my invention. Max is talking to an American.

MAX: Don’t you have a country to invade or words to insert random zeds into?

posted by Thomas on Jul 15

Okay. One more…

ANDREW: They were actually swingers?
MAX: In the flesh. Literally.
ANDREW: Were they at least attractive?
MAX: You already know the answer. Imagine naked Morris Dancers.
ANDREW: Fucking hell.
MAX: And that was the wife. There must be some research. Some scientific study that explains why all swingers are ugly.
ANDREW: If they were attractive…
MAX: Not as good a story.
ANDREW: Yes, no. Its not. But would you have been tempted? (PAUSE) Have you ever cheated on Sarah?
MAX: You ever cheat with Sarah? Don’t answer that. I’ve had too much to drink. Know you haven’t.
ANDREW: I haven’t.
MAX: I know.
ANDREW: I wouldn’t.
MAX: What’s wrong with her? (Laughs) Listen. How are you doing with the whole… you know. Pink elephant in the room.
ANDREW: I’m fine.
MAX: She told me not to mention it but you know me. I’m very fond of pink elephants.
ANDREW: I’m fine.
MAX: You sure? Because, I hate to say this, but you look terrible. Like you haven’t slept for the last six months.
ANDREW: Well, Max. Given I have fairly intense abandonment issues, walking in on my wife with another man’s cock in her mouth is bound to disrupt my sleep patterns.
MAX: Yes. Yes. I can see that. If you, if you… know you’re closer to Sarah but should you want to talk to me.
ANDREW: Thanks.
MAX: …I really rather hope you don’t you understand. (laughs) Wonder when the bird will be here?
ANDREW: I’m really not ready. It’s only been six months. What do you know about her?
MAX: Same page as you. What I can pick up from Sarah, she’s a wishes she was around in the 70s burn her bra type.
ANDREW: She fit?
MAX: Don’t think so.
ANDREW: Why?
MAX: She’s a feminist isn’t she?

Theme Design by Deeogee. Sponsored by Key West , Florida Keys, Dry Tortugas